Silent, but profound
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Hikaru and Ogata play a game of Go late at night, but it reveals more than they are ready to face about themselves.


**Fandom: Hikaru no Go  
Title: silent, but profound.  
Pairing: Ogata + Hikaru  
Rating: pg-13  
Description: Hikaru and Ogata play a game of Go late at night, but it reveals more than they are ready to face about themselves.**

**Disclaimer: Hikaru no Go isn't mine.**

**Silent, but profound.  
By miyamoto yui**

He pulled on his collar as if that would help anything.

He gulped as he watched him walk by and become swallowed by the elevator doors. But of course, his demeanor was as smooth as the ironed, white suit he always wore. His eyes were as calculated as that of any predator against its prey, but he wondered why it had to be that particular boy.

Of all the people he had to feel anxiety towards, it was THAT one.

The one that drove him nuts with questions and no answers to confirm them.

In fact, he hadn't felt this way ever since the wonderfully, pretty-eyed Touya Akira smiled at him while they were having coffee at a nearby café. There was no occasion really. It was just one of those days of impulse in which just seeing Akira was too much to bear. So, his plan was to stare and analyze him until Akira had to leave to do something else. It was never enough time anyway.

Akira was a specimen he continued to watch with earnest. After all, who could resist the intensity of his nature? It was a gravitational force that made people want to get close to him. It was just Akira's passivity towards the rest of the world outside of Go that made people turn off their interest.  
But they were dumb people, to say the least. He was a rare species.

In fact, those like Akira were dying out. They were endangered, in fact.

The young did not want to follow any type of tradition. How could any family expect a child to fall in love with something so culturally embedded of their own free will? And Akira had. Even though his father had taught him the basics of Go, it was up to Akira alone to decipher his way through life, on and off the board.

He chose integrity towards himself.

Even though his classmates talked about him for one thing or another, it never deterred him from his path in life, whatever that may have been.

As for the man in white, he sighed as the doors of the elevator closed before him. It was as if Akira himself had flashed before him in memories. At three, at five, at seven…twelve…fourteen…sixteen…nineteen.

But it was not Akira he was staring at. It was the mysterious Shindou Hikaru that captured him even more than this.

What was it about Shindou? Akira had embedded his presence within the boy with blond bangs. He could tell. Their expressions were the same. They were chasing one another silently.

Neither could get away from the other.

And what about him? Where did he fit in this loop?

He had only gotten into Go because it was tradition.  
"Seiji…Seiji?"  
His grandmother would call him to play. At first, it was fine to find some time to spend with his grandmother, but it became more than a game.

It became a way of life.

"If I did this, would this person…" he would think to himself, manipulating people with his seductive smile and strong stature that demanded respect from anyone who talked to him.

But along the way, it became an addiction. It was a disease he could not control with a passion so bright that no one would have thought that he used to hate playing. That he would run away whenever the Go board was brought forth.

With a nostalgic smile on his face filled mixed with a little regret, he turned back towards the bustling people in this mini convention where the demonstrations were being done. It was like a long time ago when he was drunk and played a round with Hikaru, and Hikaru had left him there in the middle of the night.

There were not as many people now because it was nighttime. In fact, it was just the staff fixing up the room for the next day. He just overlooked everything and then headed towards his hotel room, which was on the highest floor. As he was heading there, he saw Hikaru coming out of the elevators this time and heading towards the hall.  
He called out to him. "They're already done. Would you like to play a round with me in my room?"

Hikaru thought about it for a moment. He had matured from the little twelve-year-old boy who had blurted out a mindless, yet correct answer at that Children's Tournament many years ago. And now, he was a nineteen-year-old whose features had set in.

The sharp eyes, the defining lines on his face, the focused insight.

"Sure, why not?" The young man shrugged his shoulders and smiled like the little boy he became when it came to Go. But deep inside, there was something bothering him. He wondered what would have happened if Sai were still there. He would have wanted to play against Ogata-sensei.

In fact, they wanted to play each other. It was ironic that neither one truly realized it.

When they started to play, it was a little bit more casual than usual. There was the board on the wooden table next to the window. And Ogata had asked him if he wanted something to drink. Maybe he shouldn't have encouraged drinking sake, but he gave it to Hikaru anyway. Hikaru didn't think anything of it. It was the lethal drink he gave to Akira in order for him to unwind, but led to many failed attempts at getting to kiss him since he couldn't bring himself to take advantage of his rival. The damned rival that drove him crazy in the head, Go, and everywhere else.

"You look disappointed," Ogata commented while taking a sip and making a move. He looked out the window.  
"Disappointed?" Hikaru asked. It wasn't an unusual situation to be alone with Ogata-sensei because they had done this many times before. They were friends, they were rivals, they were somewhat teacher-student.

"Akira-kun isn't here playing against you." He chuckled to himself, almost as if the sake had taken any effect on him. "You would have thought that you guys were the only ones playing Go at the rate you guys go about it."  
Hikaru made his move and placed his white chip on the board. He sighed as he took a sip bigger than the previous ones. "It's his fault though. He challenged me after I beat him and I thought he was kind of cool."  
"Ah," the sensei said as he looked at Hikaru carefully. "You two are alike in that sense. So simple-I mean, single-minded."

If Hikaru didn't figure it out, Ogata sure did. They were after the same illusion. Akira was a passionate individual who spread his fire to everyone he touched. And yet he never knew that he affected people in such a way because he was innocently oblivious and single-minded that way.

But when _had_ he started looking at Hikaru in a different light also? Was it because of the mystery that enveloped him? Maybe that was it.

A bit annoyed by the remark, Hikaru lifted up his chin like the punk that he was and smirked. "And weren't you the same person who pinned me to the wall demanding to play a match against Sai?"

Leaning his elbow on the table, he placed his face on his palm and looked out into the dark night with the moon shining high above them. He smirked as Hikaru continued to look at him. He drank a bit and said, "Sai was the only one I wanted to play with?"

Hikaru immediately looked down at the board instead of at the older man's profile. His sudden silence was too obvious to show his embarrassment. It made him slightly blush. When had he started admiring the cool, stoic sensei that seemed to be behind his every move, supporting him all the way despite his teasing?

What was the fine line between admiration and obsession?

But Hikaru laughed it off and Ogata made his next move on the table. While placing his chip, he leaned a bit forward and looked at Hikaru without gazing at the table at all, knowing exactly where he was putting the piece.

Knowing exactly where to hit.

"You're a strange man, Ogata-sensei," the young man with blond bangs commented as he took in more sake, pouring himself some with a bittersweet expression on his face.

"I never claimed to be sane. Clear and sharp, but never sane." He shook his head as he smiled while drinking. "This game does things to you."  
"You're telling me?" Hikaru blurted while looking at the board, not knowing if he was answering Ogata himself or their mock match.

They played in silence, each thinking of too many things outside of Go, but trying their best to play the moves that they were familiar with. They did the best when they were playing Go. It made them both shine in certain ways, like the glittering of stars from a distance. Silent, but profound.

The night drew on and Ogata got up to put on a cd while Hikaru got more sake from the fridge. He poured it out for both of them and smiled as his cheeks began to turn red. The more his face became crimson with drink, the more his inhibitions were lost.  
He was fighting against Akira, having to hold back everything from him. It tortured him how much Akira acted like such a goodie-goodie and was so unsure about the mixed signals he got. He never knew if it was okay to become more than rivals or friends. It weakened him and made him stronger at the same time.

But as he looked at Ogata, he was struck with a slight adoration. Ogata-sensei had a lot of good things from life and was able to play Go through his silent passion. He was successful, handsome, smart, and rich. It was like looking at someone at the other end of the spectrum, somewhere where he wasn't yet, but hoped to be.

But none of it mattered if Akira wasn't there. Or so he had always thought.

Ogata was thinking the same thing. Akira was the reason why he got back into loving Go. He always watched Akira and how much he loved the game that he couldn't help but be caught in the rush of feelings. For once, he wanted to carried away by something that was unpredictable yet exciting at the same time.

And it came in the form of the young man in front of him.

At the end of the night, Ogata won, but as they sat across each other, exhausted, they looked at other articles of the room. Anything except each other.  
But it was Hikaru who made the first move. He went to the window and looked outside of it. His fingers were plastered to the icy surface with his warm palms sticking to it, absorbing and giving warmth, hoping to find an equilibrium.

His eyes wandered from the sky into the ocean below. They held a tinge of sadness and nor could he understand what was happening. All he knew was that he felt very lost.

The path he had followed, chasing after this one person, made him very lonely.  
And he could feel the sensei's eyes on him, watching him as he always had.

"The board is always in the way," Hikaru honestly said and his fingers twitched from the shock and realization of this truth.

No, it wasn't that he didn't love Go. He loved it with all of his heart, but try tearing this away from Akira in this same picture was impossible.

Ogata got up and lit a cigarette. He opened the window to one side of Hikaru and sat on the table, right behind Hikaru. He patted the boy's head gently and softly. He didn't know what to say. He was in the same predicament.  
But then, he kissed the back of Hikaru's head, and Hikaru could feel his scalp kind of tingle by the touch.

"Sensei? I think I should-" But he closed his mouth as Ogata-sensei wrapped his arms over Hikaru's shoulders and buried his face.  
The young man closed his eyes as he leaned back a bit, knowing it was just wrong to have a crush on someone many, many years older than him. And equally, the older man hugged him tighter, knowing very well he was stepping over his boundaries.

But as confusing as things were, his mind was clear. He wasn't drunk at all and he knew exactly what he was doing. He had always loved the ambiguity that defined Shindou Hikaru, something as mysterious as the jazz music playing or the sky that was above them now.

Unexpected and interesting. No, he didn't think of him as a toy, he was seeing him more and more as his opponent for Go, Akira, and the reflection of himself.

"For me, you're always looking at someone else. That's what's in my way," Ogata bluntly said as he unwrapped his arms and began to pull Hikaru towards him while kissing his neck quietly and running his right hand under his shirt while the other was unbuttoning it.  
Hikaru's eyes opened in shock at the older man's comment. He hadn't expected that at all.

But just as much, he didn't expect himself to half-close his eyes and turn his head to find himself kissing Ogata on the lips.

What did he like about this man more than anything else? He tried to find that answer as he pulled his face with his hands, kissing him more and more.

Ogata-sensei…  
He always could read him so well. That's why he didn't like looking into his eyes. Hikaru knew that Ogata-sensei could read him so well, and it scared him. If Akira didn't get the clue, Ogata did. He always made him feel like he couldn't breathe if he stayed within his eyesight. As if he wanted to penetrate deep into his passion and the core of his soul, which even he didn't know or understand yet.

Not until Ogata-sensei touched him just then.

It was then that blond man undid his belt and began to unzip the young man's pants while still kissing him.

"What are you trying to find?" Hikaru asked him as his eyes closed tightly as Ogata held his shoulders and began to kiss his back, muscles and bones, with no mercy. "Are you still trying to find Sai?"  
The sensei became a bit frustrated, seeing how Hikaru still didn't comprehend anything, even until now.

It was then that Ogata pushed the Go board far away from them and spread Hikaru on it instead. He put his hands on each side of Hikaru's head and leaned forward to say, "No, I was trying to find _you_ through Sai."  
"Why?" Hikaru asked with his eyes, but Ogata wouldn't answer. While kissing Hikaru again, he took Hikaru's hands to help him undo his clothes.

"Because that is the person who sees me crystal clear and I hate him for doing so." It was then that Ogata pushed himself inside of Hikaru and Hikaru yelled while grabbing onto the sensei's shirt tightly, thrusting his head backwards from the pain. But Ogata held his neck gently and resumed kissing his mouth.

Hikaru may have looked up to him as a sensei, but he didn't treat him special because of it. He didn't treat him so coldly as Akira did. Hikaru, unlike everyone else, didn't treat him as if he were untouchable. He treated him like a person, not intimidated by the titles, the money, the power, and the like.

And he wanted to understand why Hikaru regarded him that way.

"Why are you here with me?" Ogata asked as he whispered in his ear while his hand grazed all over Hikaru's thigh.

"Because you won't ever let me go. Whenever you look at me, I feel like you're trying to devour my soul. Your gaze is more severe than Akira's."

Exhausted, he had barely gotten off of him when Hikaru collapsed on him with his arms over Ogata's shoulders as he sat on the messy table. Tasting the sweat on his forehead, Ogata held him while putting his coat over him.

_Indeed, Shindou Hikaru, you__'__ve become my undoing._

Hikaru woke up in bed next to Ogata-sensei, but as he pushed the bangs away, they kept on coming back down.

And it was strange for him to see him without his glasses. His head hurt a bit, but he looked at the sleeping face before him.

He got up and changed into his clothes. Leaning forward, he kissed him on the lips while saying quietly, "I'm just not ready yet to face whatever you see of me."

Then he stood there watching the handsome sensei sleeping.

"What have you done to me?"  
There was a mess of questions that came to his head but this was the single one that expressed as much as he could describe it in words. He closed his eyes for a moment and then turned around.

As he was about to do so, Ogata grabbed his hand and sleepily opened his eyes. He pulled Hikaru onto the warm bed and smiled at him sleepily. "What do you think you're doing?"  
Hikaru looked at him, not knowing what to do.

"I'm leaving."  
"Why are you always running away from me?"  
"Because…"  
"Because?"  
"Because…" he said again. How could he describe any of these complicated feelings and thoughts? Sai, Akira, himself, sensei, Go, family, friends…

"You're accepting and loving the person I don't like showing to anyone." Hikaru answered, realizing his own feelings. "This is the true 'Hikaru'."

He was fighting with himself. Hikaru the Go player who rivaled Akira and the reserved person that he wouldn't share to anyone, painting it with all of his optimism.

And Ogata understood that. He had done the same. Pushing his self-confident attitude, he became standoffish and arrogant in a way even though he didn't mean to be. It was just the way people perceived him.  
Yet, to himself, he felt very ordinary. He was just a man who loved to play Go and was fortunate to live upon it. His luck with Go had become somewhat of a curse for him against the people around him.

Wasn't…wasn't there more to his life than this?

"And even though I love this person, this person reflected upon Akira and Sai, this Hikaru is meant for Akira alone, isn't it? All of these parts come together when he's next to Akira," Ogata said with a tone of sadness.

That was right. Hikaru didn't realize it until the sensei had said it.

It was then that Ogata smiled widely at him and patted his cheek. "I've found the answer I needed. Now it's your turn to find yours."

Then, Hikaru nodded his head and got up to leave. Ogata's hand slipped onto the bed like a dead-weight as he felt numb all over.

Click went the door at Hikaru's departure.

That was the magic that Hikaru couldn't figure out about himself. Despite all the odds and all the constraints put upon him by other's eyes or himself, he still persisted. He was still as free-spirited and wild to the limit that his heart and soul could take, even if it was broken. That's what he saw in Hikaru.

Hikaru stood outside of the door and leaned on it, wanting to open the knob. The quiet hallway before echoed the emptiness he felt deep inside. Until he had figured out what Akira took captive from his person, he couldn't come back. He couldn't come back to this place.

Later that day, they met at the convention downstairs in the ballroom and greeted each other cordially, as if nothing ever happened. But across the room, Ogata's eyes were piercing into him.

"You're always looking at me with those eyes," Hikaru thought to himself, trying not to blush. "Knowing so much without a word."

At that moment, as announcements were being read on the stage, he lifted his eyes and looked at Ogata's. They acted as if they were the only two people in the world, drowning the background away.

He looked straight of them with such confidence and clearness that Ogata smiled at him.  
His look said,

"I don't want you to tell me. I like finding answers for myself. And when I find myself, I'll come back to you. For sure, I'll come back to you. And I'll find you, the person you're seeking inside of yourself, Ogata-sensei..."

After all, hadn't this been the person that had supported him, despite everything? He knew this feeling inside of him hadn't stopped ever since Ogata had shouted, "Let me have a match with Sai!"  
With those eyes.

"I'll be waiting, as usual." Ogata nodded his response.

With a cute, confident smile, he then left to chase after Akira again. He thought to himself what Sai had told him once in a dream,

"There is no such thing as a straight path, that is only your perception. There is no such thing as a loneliness or being 'alone'. Everything you touch becomes a part of you. And everything that touches you becomes a part of that 'everything'.

You just are fortunate to be able to have the power of choice, Hikaru. And if there are none, I know you'll make one yourself that suits you.

That is the kind of person you are, Hikaru."

**Owari. / The End.**

**Author****'****s note:** My internet's been acting funny and the fact that distractions are not happening to help me do work, I've screwed it over and thought of Hikago. Instead of the fic that I was planning to do, I did this one instead. Don't ask me where it came from. It just came. Heh.

^^;; Me and my liking for unconventional pairings yet again. (Though, I rather prefer Sai and Ogata – my other pet project that has been on hold for a few months.)

Hope you enjoyed it! ^_^

**May 8****th****, 2004**


End file.
